Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
