There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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