I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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