I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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