I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
