Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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