How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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