I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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