Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
