sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
