The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
this hospital has no fireball
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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