Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
