There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
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