I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
