I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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