Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
