made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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