Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
