Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
