Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
