if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
