So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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