I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
