the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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