Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
