were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
