HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
