What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
