mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
