how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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