i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
