1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
