you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
