I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
