get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
