Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
