She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
