Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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