twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
