like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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