He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
