My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
