You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
