mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
