Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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