we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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