i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
