I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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