i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
