I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
